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Saturday, March 8th, 2003
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1:17 pm - $95 DOLLARS LATER....
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1:05 pm - ADVENTURES IN HAIR
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| Saturday, February 22nd, 2003
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3:59 pm - Kissing is nice
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I had forgotten that. To feel ones lips gently melting away my standoff-ish-ness is a really good feeling. Tingles and goose bumps.. tis nice
That is all
Italian Festival this weekend.. Hee I love italians.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 13th, 2003
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10:32 pm - A loud dream a quiet day
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Last night I dreamt and dreamt. I kept waking up thinking it must be time to wake up, and at times I was so deep into what I knew couldn't be true, that I wanted to tear away from it, I didnt want to be that involved in what couldn't be.
Have you ever dreamed of someone's presence so strongly you swear you both must have had the same dream? I dreamed a friend was back in my life, and the comfort of having him there was like waves of constant relief. I dreamt I was on the phone with him, and all it took was a couple of sentences for us to know each other again. Sometimes souls are just close, and they speak for us without mouths interupting. The full impact and the preciousness I felt for this person came back to me as strongly as if our friendship was yesterday. It was strong, massive, and I think I was crying in my dream, alternately because I felt so relieved tricking myself into believing that the dream was real, so joyed, and then so awful because I knew it wasn't and I have no way to feel that comfortable, noone to feel that familiar home feeling of, you are here, and life is better lived because of it.
The dream reverberated through my thoughts in select quiet moments of my day, that It made me misty eyed. I know to be alone is an allusion, but I hope I prove this one of my convictions soon.
I feel lonely.
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| Wednesday, February 12th, 2003
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6:31 pm - Awoooooooooooooooooo!
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Jonnie is one proud proud boy. 24 hours without a ciggarette. I don't think thats happened since I was 16. I haven't yelled at anyone irrationally, and the desire to contantly have something in my mouth is allmost gone. (good thing too.. I was to the point of asking strangers if i could blow them).
I'm damn happy.
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| Tuesday, February 11th, 2003
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7:21 am - Wow
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Jonnie, the infamous chimney.. has cut down to 5 cigarrettes a day
and they're ultra lights!
Very proud of myself. I feel like I can do anything, and with each urge that I resist I feel more empowered.
I can smell now, and thats really good. Yay!
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| Saturday, February 8th, 2003
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10:42 am - Breaking addictions..
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Im tackeling them all at once. Fuck it.
Drinking, Smoking, caffeine, food, and finally
Depressive journal entries on here.
they're fuwking lame.
I've noticed that I really have to try to emancipate emotions while using a computer and a keyboard, especially with the pressure of what I subconsciously don't want revealed to others reading. When Pen goes to paper theres something magic that connects me to the center of who I am, and ill be using that approach, occasionally transcribing the pages i'm Proud of on here. but not too too often, less I begin writing in my paper journal with the idea that others will see it. I never want to loose the ability to be intimate with paper, as I seem to have lost the ability to be intimate with a keyboard.
Wish me luck, and anyone who knows good breathing and meditation excersizes, post them to me, thats my primary reason for quitting this discusting habit of smoking. That and i'm hoping my voice wil stop sounding like harvey firestein. "With a voice and a face like this, ive got nothing to worry about.. I can allways drive a cab."
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| Saturday, January 25th, 2003
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9:57 am - Week 3 sobriety
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Last night I wanted drink. I didnt.
If its only been three weeks, and I plan a lifetime of sobriety. Its gonna be a long long life.
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| Tuesday, January 21st, 2003
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8:21 pm - being a fairy
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me http://members.cox.net/heavanboi/HTMLobj-73/sober.mp3
Did you know there was only one thing I wished that never came true?
I have so many wishes I could tap into, and I'm so content. I mean, the types of wishes I've been granted have been like the tale of the monkey paw and three wishes. Everytime I've wished for something it's come true, it has, and at this moment, my hearts wish, when I lay that question to myself "what do I wish for, what do is my deepest desire?" my heart shuts up, and I can't think. I'm scared to create something new in my life more afraid of the life lessons it brings, I'm way too unprepared and raw, like my heart is exposed to the elements, I can't wish in this condition. I want to manifest goodness, and im tearfull and dull. tmi as usual. My journal is becoming just lame and it couldn't be a better mirror.
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| Wednesday, January 15th, 2003
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6:39 pm - going through boxes and such
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listen to this while reading http://members.cox.net/heavanboi/HTMLobj-72/Cat_Power_-_01_-_3_Times.mp3
So I crawl through my spare bedroom that I use as a large walk in closet. I got into the boxes o shit. All I have left from the past 6 years, poems, letters never sent, and the rare occasion of a letter sent to me. Words I wrote when sentiment gripped the heart, exploding on to paper with allmost non coherence. "Maybe you're at the top of my thoughts when I am lost, when I'm alone.. While I wrestle, awake these pangs of memorie preventing dream. Anyway, I need sleep more than I need to miss you. Goodnight..
And Cat Power. I found a cd on the floor and put it on. Instantly I had the feeling of exhaustion of sadness in moist air. In a land where smiles are gifts of the heart, and emotions are given full sway in voices overheard on the T. It seemed my feelings were natural in boston, Stepping off the plane, trying hard to walk fast and with perogative, as if I had a job to go to, or a lover waiting for comfort only I could bring. It was the way of blending in in new england. I would go to marti's house, on instinct, like the day after she slit her wrists, I was there to comfort, to love, to sit in the psychologists office while she was evaluated, and several times a day there was a lump in my throat, because allthough I loved her more than words can express, no matter how creative, I knew my time with her was short, I had been chasing her life across a country, begging to be her aide de camp in a world that was vibrant. I knew I couldn't hold her as I knew noone could hold her, and that dream of her and I as best friends taking on the world was just that, a dream that I took part in 3 days a week by flying out to see her. The lump in my throat was there because I knew we couldn't be as we were. Our time to dance was over, and I was just there prolonging as much as I could the love I had for her. And sister, marti, whereever you are, I wish you all the love in the world, for I took great comfort when you were by my side. Comfort I have not known since. And I need the balls to live the way you did, to find every moment an opportunity for life.
The only time I feel at home here in the desert is when I am emotionless. I can't say the last time that was.
Looking on, forward. I must. Cause theres noone here to plan life with, and I need the strength to plan one for myself.
current mood: reminiscent
current music: Cat Power 3 times
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| Saturday, January 11th, 2003
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10:16 am - Ripped off Seth's LJ, and the mofo is being taken off my list if he doesnt add me soon.
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9:14 am - car fixed, no money, week 1 sobriety nearly complete
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Now.. If apartment would clean itself.. I would be very happy. I am glad I am broke for the first time in a year, very seriously broke.. Cause it makes me want to do good things for myself. Clean apartment, economize, do stuff with friends that love me simply cause I am me. I am down low, but it feels good to not lean on anyone, I'm leaning on me. mememememe
hee
Its my nature to be self centered and I don't give in to it nearly enough.
PS 50's guys in posing straps are hot.
so are shy little boys with soft voices with unusual names.
(ack, I reread that, and thought I should mention little boys does not mean anyone under 20, the guy im talking about might be older than me but looks like 20)
I think I'll write a song today, after My place is cleaned.
In the words of my wise boss.. In spanish..
Everyone has a bit of musician, poet, and lunatic in them.
Oh by the way, coincidence, yesterday at work I talked to Cory from the nile, he was moving the nile phone to be a music store phone.. Its wierd, In a call base of 14000000 customers I got him. Hes the owner of the infamous nile, where I played shows with ophelia's vignette and audra. Where I danced every week in fits of depression, drunk from circle k cups in parking lots, The end of an era, truly. I got the call to shut the phone off. I also got in a fight with him, a physical one, that left him with a bit eyebrow, and me in a white dress all bloody with no ride home, and no place to call home as well. (can you imagine me all skinny bloody and wearing ripped lace and fishnets as my outfit of homelessness? It's too comical, really) I wanted to mention it on the phone to him, but I thought it would be too wierd. I wish they had a closing night, It would have been fun to bid adieau to the place. Its now a church. I wonder how spiritual a place it can become.. its' walls once holding a whore house, not to mention the depravity of the dance club that followed. I should go attend services, and chuckle to myself.
I hate how I can't be shocked. It should have shocked me to get that call, but it didn't. I want a better life. I have to make that happen, and at the moment I don't have the ingredients. Maybe getting rid of a few will help? (alchohol, nicotine, caffeine) My life has become an experiment for the betty ford clinic.
This week I gave up drinking and eating anything that makes verbal noises. (chicken, meat, pork,) Im still eating fish cause its good.
current mood:  complacent
current music: skinny puppy assimilate
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| Sunday, January 5th, 2003
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11:48 am - I am a charachture of myself
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Greg dhulis ode to alchoholism.
And it dont speak and it dont bleed its locked its jaws and now its swallowing, its in our hearts its in our heads, its in our love baby its in our beds. Tonight I go to hell, for what I've done to you, this aint about regret, its when I tell the truth.
Happy birthday Sarah, I've given you nothing but annoyance.
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| Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
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5:49 am - Stepping from where I was, from where I am
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When I was sixteen, my room was covered in christmas lights, a huge poster of siouxsie, several cure posters, (one rare one advertising a concert with curve all about eve and james on my birthday), my two huge speakers my dad had made when I was 3, a four track recorder, my acoustic and electric guitar, a casio keyboard, and papers I had written, lyrics, poems, notes from friends. Songs I had written I thankfully have left on a cassette.
"It was better before,
It was better the old way
To just sit there and dream
Rather than watch the dream decay
And the memory of you
The way it was before
Leave me lying and flying
Away through the door
Just turn back your mind
To turn back the clock
To scream at my memories
Before my mind blocks them out
I loved you so much then I want to
Turn Back to the time when love
Meant something more than just a kiss
Than just a kiss
Oh turn back my love
just one sweet reminisce
turn back to the time when
love meant something more
Than just a kiss"
I was so alive. So real, damned deep and grotesque and beautiful. I'm not unhappy that this world has changed. Even in music, the days of sinead oconner singing about the last day of our aquaintance, or the cures languid and unearthly atmosphere of their last decent album in 92, or even the beauty of everything but the girl's dance hit missing..
It seems this worlds darker layers of atmosphere have evaporated, and how can one complain of that? There is depth still, but the days of deep greek and roman tragedy are gone, and I once felt at home in a place where my soul could rage and swirl so astonishingly complex. The beauty of those moments are gone, but these words are those of a romantic fool, for in honesty, if you had asked me when I was sixteen, if I could give up that horrible depth, that depth that at times threatened to pull me out of sanity, thinking it real, I would have begged for a better world to live. It has arrived, and in all honesty, Im in desperate need for reinvention. A step beyond what I've known. I'm getting ready to join life again, and watch out. I'll teach this world fun beyond what it's known before, cause my heart is too rad for this hermit shite. Happy fucking New Year!
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| Tuesday, December 24th, 2002
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6:45 am - Listening to tapes I record.
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So,
Bisbee ruled. I saw my grandpa bubu gege in picture form on a bars wall, while I was drunk, too drunk. I am my grandfather's grandson. I love you you drunk son of a bitch. I gave you a plant and said a rosary with your daughter. Celestino Lombardini, the first taste of whisky on your lips when I kissed you, and you said "Con amore, mi bubu gege". Celestino was the first dead man I ever saw. I loved you much crazy grandpa.
I wish I was off today, Im planning to go to work and leave after a few hours. To all I love, I wish you a very merry christmas,/ holiday. How do you know if I love you? If I've met you, If I know your name, I probably have some bit of love for you. Pretty scarry eh? hah. My blood is too thick with passion and love grows in me with every beat of my heart.
Sudenly you come
the man of my dreams
Lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up
Outside of what I know here
show me to your rooms
show me all your things
buddha loves the boy
so beautiful to me
and your lovely presence
felt lying on your bed
didnt help anything
If I had one wish
concerning you
If I had one thing
I could make true
Id wish never to be in pain
from you
doo doo doo doo
Maybe youre just a scared boy
alone and scarred of the light
maybe you shouldnt have drank so much
Maybe you shouldnt have spent the night
maybe this pains a pain
that doesn't want to ache anymore
James I just want to hold you
Quiet on the floor
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| Monday, December 9th, 2002
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8:55 am - Long Entry, need to vent
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I didn't go to work today. I was showered ready to go and I actually drove, waiting outside work smoking a cigarrette. I went in, realizing I had forgotten my badge in the car, went back to the car, contemplated driving home, and did so. Called in. All will be ok.
There are things that are happening in my life right now, and I don't like them. Not at all. I tend to take a universal standpoint and view events as mirrors, and these last events, ie loss of friends caring about me is a reflection of myself. I have lost the ability to care about people, and to care about myself.
At work, a friend I have known for 2 years is not speaking to me because I threatened to reveal one of her secrets while drunk at the bar after work. She said I had gone too far and would not accept my appology. for two weeks she wouldn't speak to me, taking pains to show me she wasn't speaking to me. I wrote her a letter basically writing off our friendship because I told her I thought her actions were dehumanizing. I had a revelation that work friends are just that.. work friends, and it bothered me. I'm as real as real gets and cannot help making efforts to know and love people I spend so much time with at work. That was on my mind this morning.
This weekend I am not proud of. I tire of the alcoholic scene. Pub crawl was such a good natured jest at an alcoholics dream. 15 bucks 15 bars 15 drinks 15 dollars. So we go, and I had a good time, but sarahs boy J was in a funk. Sarah spilled beer on his pants and while the motherly instinct in me was to wipe it off, he got all pissed and said "Don't rub it in dude!" and proceeded to get all huffy and puffy about the incident. I looked at J's friend ken and said I thought I was supposed to be the sissy boy" throughout the night alcohol seemed to fuel his anger I wasn't about to get upset, it wasnt even me who spilled the beer. Wewent to a myriad of bars and drank and drank. I had fun with ken while sarah and j went off to have some drama with police officers. I sat next to two girls and tried to get ken a date with a girl with mutual interests. Ken thought the girl was ugly tho, so no luck, and I had abandoned any Idea of romance in my night. I purely wanted to have fun. We went to martini ranch after the night on mill, and sarah and j went on ahead of me and ken, when I reached the top floor I saw them and was so happy at the corny ness of the entire evening, I went to hug sarah and j and j unexpectedly returned my affections with a vice lock grip around my neck, dragging me nearly to the floor, saying, "this is what you feel like, I told you, never touch my neck". I'm very lucky, and j is extreemely lucky I'm not a reactionist, If someone assalts me I turn extreemely cold, stoic, and removed. Contemplating weather insult to me would be better rectified with violence, words, or abstainment. Sarah was pulling me toward the dance floor saying, "lets Dance Jonnie, lets dance".
I pulled away from her kicked jason in the shoe as instnct tripping him. and went to the bathroom. Ken followed me in and said "You allright jonnie?" while I was taking a piss. I said "no, I'm pissed" and walked outside. the weird part of this is ken is solely jason's friend, he has a disdain for me allmost. But he's a fair guy, hes a lawyer. I was outside when some really cute guy from san diego came over to me to talk. He was asking me how my night went and such, and I told him I was contemplating kicking a supposed friends ass. He was like aww man, don't do that" trying to get me distracted by pointing to a mobster with body guards ect. It was novel, But he looked like anyone of my dads family. The Puglisi family. Anyway, J came out and said something, I don't know what it was weither it was cordial or not. I said flatly and coldly "You owe me an appology". The guy freaked. He's like 5'7 and 140 pounds.. He was throwing out insults like a little kid, bouncing up and down like a five year old in a temper tantrum, I observed him icily while he puched his hand to demonstrate how he would throw me over the balcony. A bouncer came up and I said, "Get this piece of shit out of my face before I kill him" They removed him from the club with not so much as a hesitation. Ken, J's friend came up to me and said, "dude, I don't think he had a chance, you would have seriously hurt him, you did the right thing." I was shocked. This was J's friend, not mine. He told me to dance it off, and I tried. I went back to ken and told him I just wanted the night to end as quick as possible, and that I wasnt lookingforward to the drive home. We went out to the car and saw sarah and j sitting on the pavement. he started his verbal diahriah (an expresssion I hate, but theres no better apt phrase) I told him prudishly that he was irrational and his behavior in his getting kicked out. (Not usually the voice of reason, Im usually the one getting kicked out, Yes it was hypocritical to say it, but I was tired of him.) The car ride was silent, sarah began talking and so did j. My voice came from nowhere and thundered in the car "Will someone shut his whiney ass voice the fuck up?" Then he started again, "why you gotta be like that bitch? I'll fucking kick your ass like street fighter, (fucking virgos, the only humans stupid enough to believe that watching a movie about something gives life experience). When we got to my house I said "Do you want to get out of the car jason?" There was complete silence and sarah told me to just go. I flung an insult and left.
Hatred and anger are not natural to me. They are alien emotions usually brought on by someone else's unrestrained outbursts.
This was a weekend I was not proud of. I took the day off to get my bearings, to do laundry, to clean my apartment until I can be proud of it. I need to care for myself. I havent been and it's noticeable.
Cruelest, allmost allways to ourselves,
Are We trying too hard
Its in our hands, It always was
Oh yeah, about me not going to work:
A scene from the simpsons.
Homer in group therapy:
guy in pajamas: So I was working as an insurance adjuster and one day I just felt like I couldn't leave the house.
Homer: was the door locked?
guy in pajamas: no I just felt like I could't face what was out there.
Homer : was it raining?
Nurse: He suffers from agaraphobia, he has fears of open places and crowds.
Homer: psst, Wussy
current mood:  contemplative
current music: bjork- In Our Hands
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| Saturday, December 7th, 2002
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11:00 am - Finally, My New Ride
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AWOOOOOO!
Now my enemies can say "What's with fat Italians and small sport cars?"
current mood: happy
current music: low can i hold him
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, November 29th, 2002
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8:00 am - Thanksgiving treat
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| Thursday, November 28th, 2002
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2:08 pm - coolest ass test ever
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1:58 pm - seth you piece of shite
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Ponyboy,
18-21 is hard when you're not a trustfund baby. Forgive me for being a curebaby, but check out robert smith. At the end of his 22 year he wrote pornography.. And that sums up my life from 18-22..
"It doesn't matter if we all die", "Is it allways like this?", "I will never be clean again". Then a year later the man is singing "the walk" "the lovecats" and "lets go to bed".
You've chosen a path to be a man. Its brave and heartbreaking and charachter building. You're presently rad as shit, and you'll just get better and better. Drink some holliday wine, talk about work, and tell your mom you love her.. You'll be fine dude.
-gayguy
THe above would have been posted as a reply to your journal, but apparently only "friends" can reply. Add me you beyotch, cause I added you, and its rare shit that I add someone to my friends journal.
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